While I may not specialize (yet) in couples counseling, talking about relationships and people's experiences in past or current relationships is my favorite topic to discuss with clients. Outside of my work, as I grow older I find myself talking to friends more about their changing relationship dynamics, whether for better or worse.
Almost everyone can think of that one ex that forever changed them, the person who took forever to get over, or who they still might not be fully recovered from. Getting over an ex boyfriend isn't only difficult when the breakup was messy, sometimes the hardest breakups are the ones that end for no real obvious reason.
If you find yourself stuck between the end of a relationship and being able to start a new one, you might find you're not yet fully over your most recent ex, or possibly someone before them! Below are the warning signs I find my clients and friends typically show when they are having trouble moving on. If you can relate to any of these, you might enjoy reading my posts on how to give yourself closure or 100 things to do instead of calling your ex boyfriend.
You regularly cyberstalk them
Watching an exes every move online is the new normal when it comes to breaking up nowadays, and while it may not be recommended, it's silly to think we can resist the temptation. A few weeks of social media stalking is normal, yet if this pattern has continued long past your breakup, it's time to ask yourself why you're still doing it.Are you looking to find something specific? Are you hoping they will or won't be posting? Determining what your motivation for cyberstalking can help you stop. Blocking an ex is more beneficial than people give credit, and while it may be hard, 'out of sight, out of mind' is so popular because it's true.
You might also like: 8 Reasons to Block Your Ex on Social Media
You talk about them constantly
Constantly talking about your ex is 100% normal immediately after a breakup, and based off my own and friend's experiences, typically a month of nonstop bashing, complaining and wondering what went wrong is what can help you get all your feelings out about the situation. If it's been months and you're ex is still the primary topic of conversation, it's time to evaluate just how over your ex you really are.Even if everything you're saying is negative, ask yourself, why is this still the main topic of conversation? Setting boundaries about how often or for how long you're willing to talk about something gives you the opportunity to express yourself without giving it too much of your time and energy.
You cant talk about them
On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you cant emotionally handle having a conversation about the end of your relationship or having someone mention your ex, you are most likely not over them. If the breakup is recent your reaction is most likely completely normal, yet if time has passed and you still cant comfortably discuss the relationship, you may need to evaluate why you are avoiding processing your new reality and find someone who is willing to challenge your inability to talk about it honestly.If this describes how your feeling, I recommend writing an email to either yourself or a friend talking about how you feel about the situation. Writing allows you to express yourself without feeling on the spot. The goal after the end of a relationship is to get to a point of indifference because hating someone just takes too much energy.
You're closed off to new relationships
Not wanting to date a week after you breakup is normal, and in my opinion, the route you should take. Moving too quickly into a new relationship doesn't give you time to process the end of your last and evaluate the ways in which you too were responsible for the difficulties in your relationship.What you don't want to to do is hang onto the idea that something will bring you and your ex back together, therefore pushing away any new people that may be interested. Taking time to work on yourself is great, doing the work and still not being open to new people is a waste of the time you've spent bettering yourself! If you find yourself saying you're over your ex while still rejecting everyone, take time to think about why you are closed off, and what it will take to move forward with your life.
You can't define why the relationship ended
The best way to get over an ex is to sit down and really think about why a relationship was a failure. Yes, failure is a harsh word, but at the end of the day, anything that doesn't work out the way we planned is a failure. Sure it can still be a lesson, but I doubt any of us go around hoping to learn lessons while simultaneously getting hurt in the process.People typically believe the reason their relationships end is directly connected to the thing that was the catalyst to the breakup. For example, a guy once broke up with me because I addressed him calling me a stalker to his lab partner. Sure, one could say him talking behind my back was the reason he broke up (as well as being a liar because I was in no way stalking him) but in reality it wasn't the reason our relationship failed.
That relationship ended for two reasons, he lacked respect for me which was visible in the way he spoke about me to his friends in private, and we were incompatible due to my confrontational personality which made him uncomfortable (and me eventually single).
Take some time to figure out why it ended, because most likely whatever the reason was, it hasn't changed. Knowing the reason a relationship ended not only helps you better understand and appreciate the end of a chapter in your life, but also prevent yourself from making the same mistake with someone else or even the same person.
What do you struggle with when it comes to the end of a relationship? Comment below and your struggle may be the focus on my next relationship post!
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